The Guy Side: Word problems for guys

1. John and Wendy’s TV program goes to a 90-second commercial break. If John can flip 20 channels per minute and evaluate programs at the rate of 11 a minute, how many programs can John evaluate before Wendy hits him with a pan?

2. Tim skips the Mixed Martial Arts pay-per-view to take Karen on a blind date. He arrives to find her apartment covered with Clay Aiken photographs. Calculate, in seconds, the duration of this relationship.

3. A pitcher pauses 21 seconds between throws with the bases empty, and 35 seconds between throws with runners on base. If a televised game goes nine innings, and a weekend lasts 48 hours, how many base runners does a husband need to successfully avoid yardwork?

4. Karl turns 50 and decides to stop grooming. If his beard grows 1/4 inch a month, and his ear and nose hair grow 1/2 inch a week, how old will Karl be when he resembles Sasquatch?

5. Ted brags that, as a senior in high school, he once scored 50 points in a basketball game. If Ted, 36, increases his point total by 4 percent every time he tells that story, and he tells it twice a year, exactly how pathetic was Ted in that game?

6. Sweetness approaches toxicity levels at 200 parts per million. The song “So Long, Farewell” contains 41 parts per million of sweetness. So how long can the average man watch “The Sound of Music” before experiencing dry heaves?

7. Stan makes $37,000 a year. Doug, his next-door neighbor, makes 11 percent more. Ron, across the street, makes 9 percent more than Doug. How early should Stan mow his lawn on Saturday to irritate Doug and Ron?

8. Tony has found that a certain angle in the bathroom mirror minimizes his middle-age spread. But each year, this angle takes 15 percent longer to find. If Tony is 51, and it took him 10 minutes to find that angle in the first place, how long before his wife and children are relieving themselves in the yard?

9. Barbara and Dave are going to a party. Barbara says she’ll be ready in “just a minute.” But every “Barbara minute” is actually 17 minutes, and Dave is 59 years old. If Barbara comes out after six “Barbara minutes,” who will be waiting: Dave, or his dental remains?

10. If his driveway is 31 steps from the house, and dog walkers appear every 45 seconds, can Bob fetch the newspaper in his underwear without being subject to another restraining order?

11. Joan’s mother can talk for 41 seconds before taking a breath. While most breaths last half a second, every third breath must be at least 2 seconds long. How much of her bunion surgery is Fred obliged to listen to, before passing the phone to Joan?

12. Amy’s unemployed Goth boyfriend appears at the door for the very first time. If sound travels at 340 meters per second, and light travels at a speed of 299,792.5 kilometers per second, how quickly can Amy’s father hate him?