The Guy Side: Five ways to 'Go Crachit’

Every year, it seems, holiday gift giving takes on the dimensions of an arms race. Families get together, right around this time, to establish spending treaties.

Cheapness Pacts are forged, and hailed by all. But these resolutions have a candy cane spine that snaps at the sight of the first “perfect” gift. Suddenly, all the caps are blown. Everyone gets paranoid, and starts stockpiling hardware. And you find yourself spending another December in Fancy Gadget Boutique, pricing electric bunion trimmers in an attempt at “sticker equity” with a free-spending relative and the expensive sweater they’ll bear.

We can blame Christmas for this, but I prefer to blame women. They’re usually the ones who break the Cheapness Pact. Women have all these extra “gift fixations.” Does it fit? Is it the right color? Why does the label say “asbestos”?

Men are just more ascetic. We don’t have to shop or spend. We can sit, inert, with little more than a plate of crackers and a college football game, until someone says: “You remembered Christmas, right?”

I don’t know how we do it. It’s a gift.

In years past, you could shrug these off as gender differences. But Christmas is a different ballgame, now. With a recession upon us, and the Dow turbulent enough to make you hurl across the financial page, “Let’s keep it simple” has some teeth behind it this year.

A few themes and ideas, then, to keep your holiday spending on the down-low:

A Mockery Pact: Instead of a gentle rebuke (“Oh, you shouldn’t have!”), families agree to publicly mock any extravagant spender. (“A DVD player! What’re you, an idiot?”) In truth, this works best as a preventative measure. Actual enforcement can turn Christmas morning into a tinsel-trimmed bar fight.

Handmade Gifts: You made art for loved ones in grade school, right? Now, making art for that special someone tells them two poignant things: 1) I love you enough to devote hours to this project, and 2) I make pathetic art. Chances are, they’ll give you tearful thanks for your intentions, and hours of grief over your unsightly gift. (“Is this a dream catcher, or did you run over a tennis racket?”)

Restrict Your Shopping: Don’t shop until Christmas Eve day. Pick a strip mall. Start at noon. Buy until they throw you out. You’ll be surprised how thrifty and resourceful you get. And, if Dad doesn’t want his collapsible rain bonnet, or grandma doesn’t like her tube socks, bartering is allowed!

Homemade Gift Certificates: Another childhood staple that works better now that you can target-market: “Good for one 'Drop-What-You’re-Doing Chore,’ Without Eye-Rolling.” Or: “This Gives You Immunity From Five of My Withering Looks.”

Go Biblical!: You can only buy presents that would have been appropriate at the Nativity. Since gold is too expensive, this limits you to incense, camp stools and animal feed. Too challenging? They did it at the first Christmas.

By all accounts, that came off well.