Media Day a mix of famous faces and head cases

Tribune's reporter Michael Grady experiences Super Bowl media day first hand.

Tuesday morning at University of Phoenix Stadium.

In the shadow of Podium Four — where quarterback Tom Brady discusses the Giants’ defense — reporters have gathered to interview a monkey puppet.

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VIDEO: View interviews with Tom Brady, Randy Moss, Eli Manning and Michael Strahan

“His name is Charlie,” the sunglassed orangutan’s companion says. “He is a sports monkey.”

Charlie is on the arm (literally) of a TV Azteca West reporter, who hopes the NFL’s greatest stars will be drawn like a tractor beam to his manually operated simian friend. But they will have to wade through an army of bare midriffs, jilted brides and microphone booms to do so.

Welcome to Media Day.

The second day of Super Bowl week is always dedicated to press availability. So players assemble on the sideline, in glossy trade-show style podiums. And reporters of every stripe — sports, national, delusional and monkey-bearing — are released to feed on them. The Patriots go first, but they’re a little slow to take the field. So the thousands of reporters swarming the sidelines begin to cover each other.

“My name is Ines.”

Clad in a bridal dress, holding a “real Mrs. Brady” T-shirt, and wearing enough perfume to drop a bear, Ines is attracting cameras.

“I love Tom Brady, and will ask him to marry me,” she declares.

She, too, works for TV Azteca. But the monkey puppet was taken.

The Patriots, in uniform, all but strut on the field. Star players man their booths like uniformed fortunetellers under a brilliant sky. Some booths are more popular than others. Brady’s booth, and coach Bill Belichick’s, have wraparound bleachers and draw a small skyline of tape recorders, mike booms and jostling reporter heads.

For an hour, players like Patriots safety Rodney Harrison answer questions that alternate between the tactical and the inane.

“(Giant fullback) Brandon Jacobs is incredible,” Harrison says. “He’s 300 pounds, runs a 4.4 40 (yard dash) You have to swarm him. Gang tackle him, if you can.”

Next question?

“We’re from New Hampshire, Rodney. My question is: Why don’t you come to New Hampshire?”

The players field these with good humor. Randy Moss does hypothetical casting: “I would like Denzel (Washington) to play me in the movie. I don’t know if Tom Hanks should play (Brady). You would have to ask him.”

Junior Seau bears his soul. “I’m a goofy hat guy. I like wearing goofy hats.”

Brady is attentive and cordial, like he’s lunching with mental cases who will wander off soon. Belichick raps his foot like a man enduring a spinal tap.

“I just ... I don’t do it that way,” he says, for the umpteenth time, tilting his head to simulate different facial expressions.

The scoreboard clock ticks down the hour as beat writers dart like hummingbirds between booths, grabbing quotes and strategic insights between questions like: “How slick is Tom Brady?” “Um. Slick ... I guess,” linebacker Tedy Bruschi says. “I ... have no way to really answer that question.”

In front of them, a writhing horde of middle-aged men (sportswriters) pole carriers (sound crew) or moussed-up television talent, jockey for position. The midway features a phony swami, with a gold lamé headdress and plenty “moon in Uranus” jokes, model/reporters in tight jeans and bare midriffs, and position players, filming one another and laughing at their teammates.

An hour after the Patriots adjourn, the Giants seem almost soft-spoken as they settle in. Coach Tom Coughlin talks about schemes in such a scholarly way that many adjourn for fear of a pop quiz.

Defensive end Michael Strahan throws a question back at a 10-year-old reporter: “Is this your first job?”

The kid says “yes.”

“Man, you’re 10 years old and your first job is the Super Bowl?” Strahan laughs. “You could hook me up.”

Eli Manning stares resolutely ahead, as if the media were a graveyard he could whistle past. “I try not to get too high or too low,” he says. A philosophy that makes him a balanced quarterback, if not a quote machine.

“You don’t buy it when they’re talking bad about you. You don’t buy it when they’re talking good about you. You just prepare and go out there and do your best.”

“Eli Manning, I love you!” It’s Ines, the bride. Rebuked by Brady, her heart somehow healed during the lunch break. “Will you marry me?”

“I’m taken, fool,” he says, clearly wishing the media were as easy to read as a blitz.

“Eli’s been up there about an hour, getting yelled at,” chuckles Adam Koets, the Giants tackle who has the best of both worlds, wandering through the circus at will. “It’s kind of fun walking around here, taking it all in. We’re here for a reason. We’re here to win the Super Bowl, but this is an experience not many players get.”

It’s a sentiment echoed by Jeff Feagles, the Giants punter, who has finally reached the Super Bowl in his 20th year.

“I tell other players, 'if you’re able to get the old man jokes, like me, and still be in the NFL, you’re lucky.’ ”

He tells his reporters. “I’m very glad to be here.”

His next question: “If you were on a desert island, and had one choice, would it be Jessica Simpson or Giselle Bundschen?” Feagles shakes his head.

“I would just die,” he says.