I know you’re being pulled in a lot of different directions this week, but I understand you’re going to decide where you will continue your NFL career within a few days. So before that happens, Arizona would like to toss its hat — and sunblock — into the ring before you make a big mistake.
First of all, how’s the neck? So hard to tell from the grainy footage we’ve seen lately, but it appears you are ready to start slinging the ball all over the yard. If that’s the case, there is no reason to search high and low for a landing spot: You have found it.
We are your clay, Peyton. Mold us.
I saw your Wednesday press conference. I saw the tears and heard the heartfelt words. But let’s be serious: Indianapolis is a dump. I don’t know anyone other than the NCAA who has moved there in the last 10 years. Fly in on a weekend to watch the Final Four or the Indy 500? Fine. But every day?
Don’t go to Washington and have Daniel Snyder drive you batty. Don’t go to Seattle and stand in the rain, living Starbucks-to-Starbucks and depressed all the time. Kansas City? Really?
You don’t want to go to Denver. You think you have pain in the neck now? Get on the wrong side of Tim Tebow fans. Imagine sitting through game film and having John Elway whisper, “You know Tebow would have tucked it and run for the first down there, Peyton.” Who needs that?
You don’t want to go to Miami. Aqua marine colors? Ugh. Two games a year against Bill Belichick and the Patriots, and Rex Ryan and the Jets? Besides, we hear Reggie Bush is getting back together with Kim Kardashian, and you know what that means: reality TV cameras everywhere.
Word is you want to stay in the AFC. Hell, we’ll the Cardinals to the AFC. But just in case you will miss the chance to play an arch-rival like Belichick, have you met Jim Harbaugh?
Come West, young man.
You like playing in a dome, but you like the smell of fresh grass? Well, we have a dome with grass. The field is on wheels so we can roll the thing into your backyard for parties and stuff. Cool, huh?
You like throwing targets? We have Larry Fitzgerald, All-Pro extraordinaire and all-around good guy. Hey, you said you wanna bring Reggie Wayne with you, right? Perfect! We could use him.
We’ll sign Reggie Wayne. Or Bruce Wayne. Or Reggie Jackson. Or Wayne Newton. Anyone you want. Wayne Gretzky, too? Well ...
Anyway, we know friends are important. We’ll trade for Jeff Saturday, just so you have a comfortable, familiar spot to place your hands every Sunday. If you or Jeff know of any left tackles willing to come to town, please e-mail their contact information.
(We don’t call him “Bad, Bad Levi Brown” because of the Jim Croce song.)
Take a look out that plane window as you land for your talks with the Cardinals. We have great golf courses, and beautiful sunsets. There are things you don’t see, like politicians that will keep you laughing constantly. Already have a condo in Florida? How about a 10,000 square-foot mansion for $10,000 down? It’s a buyer’s market here, Peyton.
We’ll have Mexican food delivered each night. If photo radar happens to take your picture at a red light, it will be magically erased due to a “malfunction.” We’ll have the video advertising boards along the freeway playing that hilarious Saturday Night Live “United Way” skit on a never-ending loop during football season. OK, make it all year!
We’ll liquor up your favorite kicker, Mike Vanderjagt, and duct tape him to a goal post for training camp target practice. When you’re through with him, how about Rob Lowe?
Kurt Warner came here at 35 and took the Cardinals to the Super Bowl. Imagine what you could do. Kevin Kolb is a nice guy and all, but ... did we mention we love Oreos?
It’s 110 degrees here in the summer, so don’t leave us out in the cold during football season.
Say hi to Eli, and did we mention he’s already won a Super Bowl here?
All the Best: Arizona Football Fans
Jerry Brown is a contributing columnist who appears every Sunday in the Tribune. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.