The Vent - December 31 - East Valley Tribune: The Vent

The Vent - December 31

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Posted: Sunday, December 31, 2006 7:41 am | Updated: 2:33 pm, Fri Oct 7, 2011.

We take a look at some of our favorite Vent calls of the past 12 months

“First it was Barney Fife. Now it’s Chester Goode. I tell you what, we’re running out of deputies real quick.”

“The venter that says insulted animals are going to retake the planet is right. Our cat reads the paper and watches TV every day. And I don’t like the look on his face.”

“Dear IRS: I’m sorry my cat peed on my W-2 forms.”

“What is up with this spelling? Ca-t-s-u-p? I just pulled my bottle of tomato-based condiment from the fridge and it clearly says k-e-t-c-hu-p. I have never, and will never, eat anything spelled c-a-t-s-u-p.”

“I have a son in junior high and he has to use an ‘e-book’ for this science class. Whose asinine idea was this? I’m only 37, but I still like books, vinyl records and using vowels when I write.”

“Regarding Thursday’s front page: You’ve got elves toiling away in prison, there’s sex sold via the ’Net, there’s two men rapping their way out of a littering charge. Your front page is kind of like a scrap book for the insane.”

“The Decider has decided not to decide.”

“I see they’ve raised the terrorist alert. Is (Dick) Cheney going hunting again?”

“Shots fired on Capitol Hill? Geez, would somebody finally disarm Dick Cheney.”

“I don’t know what all this talk is about having no precipitation in the Valley. My rain gauge in the backyard over the last 126 days has accumulated a little over a quarter inch of dust.”

“Monsoon soon with a haboob or two on the way. Now, that’s just fun to say.”

“Joe Arpaio never likes publicity. Barry Bonds never took steroids. And Bush saved New Orleans.”

“To the venter who said singing the National Anthem shouldn’t be tolerated outside of free-speech zones. The United States is a freespeech zone.”

“But Caesar, the Goths are only taking jobs Romans won’t do.”

“Too bad God can’t be a little more precise when he warns Pat Robertson of disasters.”

“The venter who bemoans the ‘American Idol’ vote count versus presidential elections must remember ‘American Idol’ voters can vote 500 times if they wish, while even in Chicago, Democrats usually only vote three times.”

“I’m not fat. I’m fluffy.”

“Why is everyone making such a big to-do over Mel Gibson? When we get angry, we always say ‘Jesus, Mary, Joseph and Irv.’ Is that bad?”

“Oh, no, an airline passenger with ChapStik. Look out, he has a balm!”

“If I have the top of my head cut off and have all the brain cells vacuumed out, would I still be too intelligent to pick shows that are good and should stay on TV?”

“The Tribune’s From the Hip. Hey, quit trying to be funny. That’s our job.”

“I’m getting old enough to hide my own Easter eggs. I get a great idea and I call The Vent. And your danggum mailbox is full almost every time. When it’s empty, so is my brain.”

“I just realized I have The Vent on speed-dial. I wonder if I should seek professional help.”

“So you’re going to make the Vent kinder, more polite, more politically correct. I promise you the Vent will not be as good. Whoever made that decision is a ... is a ... is a ... oh, never mind. You’re not any fun anymore.”

“Happy New Year, Vent. May we long complain.”

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