The Vent: December 30 - East Valley Tribune: The Vent

The Vent: December 30

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Posted: Sunday, December 30, 2007 7:42 pm | Updated: 5:43 pm, Fri Oct 7, 2011.

These were some of our favorite Vent calls of 2007. We hope you enjoy reading them again as much as we did.

“Pinal County: You can steal money from the government. But you had better not be dancing while you’re stealing.”

“Dancing should never be banned for any reason. Dancing people are happy people.”

“Prickly City is getting pretty disingenuous with this coyote cell thing. You can get coyote cells by swabbing the inside of the coyote’s mouth, clipping his toenails or cutting his hair. You don’t have to put him in the blender.”

“Visit Minnesota in the summertime? I don’t think so. Sen. Larry Craig did for a good time, and look at what happened to him.”

“Help, 9-1-1 is not answering. And the guy next to me in next stall is tapping his foot. Help!”

“I’m a Arizona native and I don’t use toothpaste. I rinse with whiskey and floss with barbed wire.”

“How do strict vegetarians justify feeding their totally carnivorous pets? It’s sinful for humans to eat cheeseburgers, but apparently it’s OK to slaughter innocent, helpless animals to keep their fluffy darlings alive.”

“I understand that by putting grocery carts into the racks intended for them does not guarantee going to heaven, but maybe if you do so, that should be counted as a tie-breaker.”

“I can do without the quacking duck, but I’ll never say goodbye to the talking geckos and cranky cavemen. I love them.”

“Welcome to Mesa, Arizona, where we have winter, summer and hell.”

“If we all had a good, loyal friend like Jessica Lynch was to Lori Piestewa, I wouldn’t be calling The Vent every day.”

“Hi, this is Santa Claus. I’m calling to the cotton-headed ninny muggins who run the radio stations down there. Stop with the Christmas tunes. It’s still almost two months off, and you’re making my elves nervous.”

“Why don’t office supply stores sell coffee? Isn’t that an office supply? It is in my world.”

“Cerberus taking over Chrysler might seem like a good idea. But beware of the three-headed dog with a snake for a tail.”

“I finally decided who I want to be president: The first candidate who pops open a beer, lights up a cigarette, shouts ‘I can’t take this anymore,’ and takes out a gun and shoots his or her cell phone.”

“I’ve discovered the secret to life and all of its problems. You can use mayonnaise for shaving lotion. But you can never use shaving lotion for mayonnaise.”

“I disagree with the venter who said the man with a beard is too lazy to stand up to a razor. I wear a beard. My wife likes my beard. She says it hides a whole lot of ugly.”

“To the venter who said there’s no proof that God exists, listen to this noise … That’s a microwave. God gave us a microwave. That’s proof enough that God exists.”

“God gave us the microwave? Now I’m mad, because my wife told me she got it at Sears & Roebuck. What did she spend that money on?”

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