If you love that mother in your home, get rid of those babes spread out on the coffee table. I’ve had it with them. They’re not good for either soul — male or female! Why do we contemplate airbrushed, digitally altered, Botox laden, breast-enhanced illusions?
They’re a lie, yet they can mess up a mind quicker than sugar on an empty stomach — especially among the moms who are still working on that last ten pounds following little junior’s birth — five years ago. Real moms are smart to remember that even before motherhood, most female bodies don’t fit the Kate Upton mold, no matter how many meals they miss.
The only airbrushes real moms know about are used to paint indentations of deep umber beneath their cheekbones. Just maybe the shadow will make them look hungry. That’s as good as the pampering gets before the females who know — who really know their power — will race off to pick up the kids from their music lessons. They know that their Botox budget is best used for soccer shoes and tutors and that the money for fake breasts is a down payment on a college degree.
Real moms, look like moms. That, of course, is what bothers dads. They see magazines with Pamela Anderson in pin-up poses, talking about her kids and they wonder, “How did I go wrong in marrying Anna Lou?” Anna Lou picks up on his signals. She can see that masculine self-pity in his eyes when she flops into bed, dressed in her comfy, three year old sweat suit. Mother exhaustion isn’t sexy.
Ms. Pamela might call herself mother, but think about it: her kids are probably bonded to a nanny who most likely has a 36-inch-waist, floppy thighs and a sensitive smile of unbleached teeth.
Real moms need to be on magazine covers, but since they’re selling Girl Scout cookies instead of sex appeal, they don’t qualify. They’re the ones who secure their hair in a quick ponytail in order to make time in the morning for dad (if he’s around), the kids and Rover. Their radar quickly picks up on an adolescent daughter’s aching heart when she has just discovered that her worth is calculated by her breast size.
Real moms let their dark roots grow, as they spend long hours building self-worth in a child who can’t excel on the sports field; who struggles with learning disabilities. They are there, because they’d never turn the opportunity over to someone else.
Not much can be added to God’s gift to earth, man and child — except that mom needs to be smart enough to stop measuring herself against the slick pages of bulimic, knife sculptured, unisex creatures, who have yet to discover the absolute joy of loving someone more than self.
Every day is a good day for new beginnings. Real mothers should dump the masochistic behavior of longing to look like pouty-lipped manikins. As for dad, don’t be airheads! The most beautiful of all cover girls is the woman who still loves you, paunch and all. If she’s your “ex,” all the more reason to value her. She put up with you long enough to make you a father.
East Valley resident Linda Turley-Hansen (firstname.lastname@example.org) is a syndicated columnist and former Phoenix veteran TV anchor.