Maybe it’s just the haze of nostalgia, but it seems that 40-plus years ago when I was trick-or-treating age, we could put the Vietnam War, the sexual revolution, civil unrest and the drug culture out of our minds long enough for some good old-fashioned fun.
Not so in 2012. The political wrangling and celebrity shenanigans of the real world have stealthily intruded into the fantasy world of Halloween. Here are some examples.
Remember the old days when Dr. Frankenstein was satisfied to present his original creation with the Bride of Frankenstein? Cable TV polygamy has now produced The Sister Wives of Frankenstein. (“If loving you is wrong, I don’t wanna be right...in the path of the lightning striking your electrodes!”)
And with all the cap-and-trade red tape for brandishing traditional torches, the angry villagers now menace the Monster with solar light sticks. And threaten to drive him over the “fiscal cliff.”
Maybe you haven’t noticed yet, but cobwebs in creepy old houses are becoming scarcer and scarcer, as arachnids turn to DRONE technology. (“Hey, they’re not as tasty as flies or crickets, but you can get used to collateral damage squirrels, poodles and real estate agents.”)
The holiday just loses something when Wolfman (CEO of Wolf-Bain Capital) is busted for using a copyrighted howl without authorization, or when a lazy Count Dracula murmurs, “I vant to suck your ...no, vait! There’s an app for that! Or Craigslist! I can get a whole varehouse of blood on Craigslist!”)
If you scrutinize the monthly unemployment report, you’ll find a new category for black cats. It seems that Broomstick Airlines started charging witches a hefty fee for carry-on familiars.
Yes, I’m giving you 2012 warts and all. Most witches’ cauldrons have now been converted to trendy microbreweries. (“Double, double, toil and trouble ...Here come ATF agents to burst our bubble!”)
The truth about the Headless Horseman? He had his noggin removed after accidentally seeing Hulk Hogan’s sex video. (“Gouging out my eyes just wasn’t enough!”)
Back in the day, your typical “walking dead” zombies tended to actually, you know, WALK. Now they’ve become the “standing in line waiting for iPhones and Air Jordans” dead.
I caught a glimpse of a subdued Hillary Clinton on CNN saying that she takes full responsibility for Charlie Brown’s missing out on seeing The Great Pumpkin. (I suspect the truth is that the Pumpkin was in a back alley selling genetically modified pumpkin seed to Lance Armstrong.)
The Invisible Man has been co-opted by the Obama administration to give it some TRANSPARENCY. (“Just umpteen unelected czars casually discussing a plan to move the West Coast to the East Coast. Nothing to see here, folks. Move along.”)
The latest Rolling Stones tour stops mummies from their comfortingly familiar lumbering and turns them into giddy fans. (“Last time we met, Mick autographed my bandages — before I put them on.”)
Can Halloween be returned to its innocence? You can ponder that as I leave you with the words of a young man who has known the pain of bullying. (“I’m supposed to be the Son of Dracula, but all the kids tease me and say I bear an uncanny resemblance to Arnold Schwarzenegger. Let me ask my mom. I’ll be back. Aaaaaaggggh!”)
2012 Danny Tyree. Danny welcomes reader email responses at tyreetyrades@aol.com and visits to his Facebook fan page “Tyree’s Tyrades.”
Leon Ceniceros posted at 9:21 am on Mon, Oct 22, 2012.
So true. Halloween isn't the same as it was back in the 1950's. No candy or carmel apples (e.Coli and salmonella). No home-made "carmel corn balls" made with Karo syrup and heaven-forbid, salted butter, wrapped up in wax paper. No more home-made taffy, Rice-Krispie squares or home-made peanut brittle. No more "penny candies", those candy dots on paper,wax lips, small wax coke bottle filled with sugary water, "real" gum drops, loose malt balls, loose jaw-breakers (we all ate these candies and we walked around the neighborhood because we knew our Moms would throw these "goodies" away right off the bat when she inspected our "loot". Moms were Moms in those days, not our friend, not our Mentor or therapists....just our beloved authority figure..........."MOM".
Now one ever put razor blades, pins, needles, broken glass or "anything bad" into the candies and goodies that they handed out.
No kids were ever kidnapped or sexually attacked back in those days. The adults stayed home to hand out the candy and enjoy our "home-made" costumes. America was a "safe" Nation back in the 1950's. Our Presidents acted like Presidents and got things done. Our Mayors made sure that the Cops and the Sheriffs were supported 100% not demonized for Political Gain. Senators and Congressman (Congresswomen too....lol) did their job and made sure that America moved forward. There were no Military "fraternization" problems because...well you know the reason (lack of temptation...if there was no "one" to fraternize with = no problem). You never saw "body parts" that weren't supposed to be seen on the Television (well there was the woman bandleader who's dress came undone and the Cal Worthington car salesman who went on a "rant") but other wise, men dressed like men and women dressed like "ladies" back then
Even in Catholic School, Halloween was celebrated in the classroom (All Saints Day was the Holyday so us kids couldn't do anything while Trick-or-Treating that would be worthy of the need to confess a mortal sin and not receive Holy Communion under the ever watchful eyes of the good Nuns or Sisters......lol)
Yes, America was truly a wonderful Country to be a kid in back in the 1950's. It truly was.
Engaged Voter posted at 10:57 am on Mon, Oct 22, 2012.
"No kids were ever kidnapped or sexually attacked back in those days."
What planet are you from, Leon?
Or are you just PRETENDING those things didn't happen in the "good old days"?
BECAUSE THEY DID. WAKE UP.
"You never saw "body parts" that weren't supposed to be seen on the Television"
Unless you count the news reels from Korea and Vietnam, they showed all sorts of body parts, many not attached to bodies. Oh, did you mean something else? ;)
"(Congresswomen too....lol)"
The "lol" speaks more about Leon's ignorant bigotry than anything else.
Congresswomen in 1950...ALL ONE OF THEM - Mary T. Norton
"America was a "safe" Nation back in the 1950's.
Yes, America was truly a wonderful Country to be a kid in back in the 1950's. It truly was."
Yes, if you were a white male.