Most of us come from broken homes. That doesn't seem to mean much anymore. Luckily, I was the oldest at home when my parents divorced, thus I didn't suffer as much as my younger siblings.
For me, what hurt the most was the poverty. I'm sure we missed our dad, but more than anything we missed good foods to eat and something "store-bought." There was just no money. As a teen, I once begged mother for something fresh to eat. We were eating canned and bottled food. She searched the house and found 50 cents in dimes and pennies. I walked to the store and bought a tomato. Not candy; a tomato to eat with our canned potatoes.
Like most people, dad went on to remarry and have more kids. Only in recent years have I learned his new family was not much better off in regards to happiness.
Since then, divorce has become a cultural norm. Strangely, when two people part ways, looking for a better deal, they rarely think of the dollar cost to set up two households. And they rarely compute the deeply tragic sacrifice paid by their latchkey children, shuttled back and forth between adults.
It's a national sorrow, a national statistic, yet family after family gets sucked into the vortex.
Recent reports put Arizona 10th in the nation for divorces (U.S. Census). That, as our state ranks near the top in poverty, is reason enough to alert couples to tread carefully when their marriage is stressed.
Within my own social reach, multiple marriages are going down; too many, including right here in our own East Valley. The causes are assorted, but the sure results are this: The financial health of the couple takes a nose dive and the harm is multiplied.
In the overview, most often the problems begin with selfishness. Intelligence has little to do with it; in fact, it's often the bright and beautiful who find themselves on the road to hell that destroys love and trust.
America's national poverty level is over 15 percent. Arizona spikes above that number: 18.6 percent live below $22,314 (poverty line) for a family of four. Single mothers and divorced families easily dominate that demographic.
Recently, FoxBusiness issued this short list of preventive points during financial trouble: Remember, debt is the enemy, live within your means; quit the blame game; be sure to take time out to spend with your family; and resist financial infidelity - lying to your spouse about money expenditures.
What's important for restless couples to remember is this: Reality really is down and dirty. Without a good roof over our heads and nutritious food on the table, fantasy relationships via Web or the office are as helpful as the proverbial one-night stand.
Tending to the family corporation is as important as a national, balanced budget. With a nation of broken families looking to Uncle Sam to keep them fed, no wonder we suffer extreme instability. Then, our children are set to repeat our behavior. The bog gets wider and deeper.
We beat the drum over elected officials' failures to produce jobs and fix the economy, but if we aren't willing to protect our world from the bottom up, how can we expect more from others? Life is hard, marriage is tough, but living smart offers promises divorce rarely does.
Too idealistic? I think not. Clearly, the distressed economy is a burden to families, but divorce is a compounder. This is one area in which we citizens have some power to stabilize a nation, not to mention protect the birth right of our children.
• East Valley resident Linda Turley-Hansen (turleyhansen@gmail.com) is a syndicated columnist and former Phoenix veteran TV anchor.
k33j88 posted at 5:44 am on Sat, Sep 24, 2011.
Children are too often the brunt of pain and suffering during and after a divorce. It is so very important to be civil towards each other when children are involved. Liberal judges in family court cases often see to it that one or the other parents have been disconnected in the childs life. Case in point----supervised visitation. These bench-ordered judgements are often granted on the whims of those seeking some sort of vindication, using the children as pawns. Society pays the ultimate price for lack of parents involment in the early development of a childs life. The mother cannot fulfill the role of both father and mother-----irregardless of what one may believe. Liberal bench activitists are destroying the moral fabric of society. If you don't believe me, take a good look at our youth of today, especially the ones raised by a liberal single parent.
dustbowl11 posted at 7:16 am on Sat, Sep 24, 2011.
Liberal Arizona judges? You mean like in Mesa?
sockratties posted at 7:25 am on Sat, Sep 24, 2011.
It’s interesting that Ms. “Can’t we all just get along” never mentioned marriage vows; promises made and promises broken. There should be some recognition that the couple gave their word and then backed out. They’re reneging on a contract and losing their best friend.
A marriage is not a 50%/50% proposition... It’s 100%/100% with both working full time at keeping it together. But where is this taught? At home ideally, but with over 1/3 of marriages failing within the first 5 years, examples are rarely positive. As the author said, stress is a big part and money issues exacerbate the problem.
There should be some kind of course people must pass before they take what is supposed to be a lifelong adventure. It should include family finances, partnership, responsibility, child rearing and the many other things that hold marriages together or tear them apart. Even if they don’t learn how to be a life partner with another human being it may keep them from making a mistake in the first place. Maybe they’ll learn that getting married isn’t just playing house until they tire of it.
One commenter tried to put a liberal spin on the problem but that’s only someone trying to work their own political agenda into what appears to be a cultural problem. Marriage is in trouble across all spectrums; financial, political and social.. New immigrants to the U.S. such as families from Japan (50’s), Cuba (60’s) Viet Nam (70’s), Mexico, and the Middle East have strong family ties even though they are often financially challenged. This tradition is shown to erode as each generation becomes more affluent and more “Americanized.”
Demographics also show that population mobility, which relates to urbanization and diversity of the work force tends to erode family structure and influence. This mobility and urbanization may be greater in some states than others because of employment characteristics.
Popular media uses single parents and broken homes as comedy staples, endorsing them as a normal way of handling life. Tenuous affairs of movie stars who marry and divorce as if they’re trying a new restaurant seem glamorous although their children are usually shuffled out of camera view. Perhaps marriage is going the way of small appliances, beverage containers and fast-food utensils. When you’re done with them, just throw them away and find another.
Accuracy posted at 10:31 am on Sat, Sep 24, 2011.
Linda Turley-Hansen,
Good autobiography. Showing that while only one percent of married women are in poverty, 24 percent of divorced women are. In a time when many Americans accepted that a 50 percent divorce rate was inevitable, children of divorce feel the pain of the breakup well into their adult life.
Today, the latest U.S. census shows that more Americans who get married are now staying married. Three out of four people who got married after 1990 are still married at least 10 years later. That is up 3 percent from the 1980s when divorce hit a record high.
Most divorces have always occurred within 10 years of marriage because most people who are unhappily married figure that out quickly. So, more couples are choosing to live together before they get married and that plays a factor in lowering the divorce rate.
Research shows that if those in a failing marriage would get some mentoring (by a trusted counselor or guide), and simply wait it out for five years, they are likely see a big turnaround. And that 86 percent of couples who decide to stall a divorce for five years end up with happier, enduring marriages after those five years.
RationalHuman posted at 11:59 am on Tue, Sep 27, 2011.
" The mother cannot fulfill the role of both father and mother-----irregardless of what one may believe."
Aww, is k33j88 taking their bigotted opinion and presenting it as fact AGAIN?
*SIGH*
"take a good look at our youth of today, especially the ones raised by a liberal single parent. "
I would fall into that category - you should probably look in the mirror for your next target...something about the beam in your eye before the splinter in mine...