The spousal Bill of Rights - East Valley Tribune: Opinion

The spousal Bill of Rights

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Posted: Tuesday, July 4, 2006 5:52 am | Updated: 2:13 pm, Fri Oct 7, 2011.

Today we honor our Founding Fathers, who penned the Declaration of Independence and, later, the Constitution. Pretty good for guys in pirate hats and heels. Ensconced in stuffy rooms, wearing itchy supportive hose, they created a democracy where lesser men would have produced only a ripe and piercing smell.

And yet they were human; yearning for equality among nations, and at home. These famous “rejected amendments” — discovered in a wooden Dumpster behind Independence Hall in Philadelphia — suggest their domestic concerns spilled over into their work, as well.

Amendment 3-A: Persons entering into a marital union, and concurring upon chores at the commencement of a weekend, are forbidden to attach additional chores during the course of said weekend, chores herein defined as lifting, currying horses or livestock, or that which involves the length of crops or grass.

Amendment 5-F: No spouse shall, in the event of a story told by their partner in public assembly, jump to the end of the story and announce its conclusion to the assembly prematurely; this holds true even if said story is oftrepeated and particularly if it is meant to amuse.

Amendment 7 (old version): If a duly married person exhibits signs of emotional distress, their partner is hereby bound to inquire as to the nature of the distress. If the partner is told “nothing doth be wrong,” partner is then free to assume “nothing doth be wrong,” and allowed to abide in a carefree state without reproach for insensitivity or obliviousness.

Amendment 8, version II (revised): If two persons, joined in matrimony and preparing to leave their domicile and walk about publicly, are not fully and properly attired at the same time, the early partner may consume dark ales and express himself strongly until said partner is prepared.

Amendment 9L: Be it known that spouses, children or cattle who linger between a free man and his sporting event do so at risk to their liberty.

Amendment 9L-1: Any food, offered but uneaten after household meals, is thereafter deemed “free,” and unbound by its original plate-owner. Any agent may consume such food without fear of reprisal, caustic looks or “art thou still eating?” etc.

Amendment 10-M : In matters of matrimonial discord, when grievances are commonly acknowledged, the offending party shall proffer one (1) apology, of a sincere nature, that doth reconcile both parties on the aforementioned grievances forever. Said offences may not be revisited or restated during subsequent discords, in-law visits or on the occasion of bad moods.

Amendment 11 (rejected “Angry Amendment”): In matters of illjudgment, where one person’s actions have resulted in misfortune or blight, that person’s spouse is required to express dissent before the specified action, or else hold silent on such matters until the end of time.

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