So by now most of us in the Valley of the Sun are over being steamed — I’m talking about indoors — that point guard Steve Nash was traded by the Phoenix Suns to the locally hated Los Angeles Lakers for four high-up draft picks in the next three years.
Pro athletes have this special privilege most of us don’t have. No, not having fabulous wealth. No, not being worshiped. No, not getting lockers with their names on them.
They get to change employers without having to send out resumes or do any paperwork, even though unlike most of us in our jobs, their abilities mostly decrease as they get more experience.
They will simply say things out loud like, “I want a new boss who will pay me more money. Which of you in this assembled crowd would like to bid first?” and nobody laughs — and suddenly team owners are shouting out big numbers and waving keys to Porsches.
Wouldn’t it be great if, to improve competition and to create a better playing environment, the rest of us could make trades?
For example, how about sending Gov. Jan Brewer to New Jersey for Gov. Chris Christie and two members of the E Street Band to be named later?
Or swapping our entire Arizona Legislature for the one in Nebraska? Nebraska is the only one of the 50 states whose legislature has only one house, has only 49 members compared to our 90 and as far as I know, has not enacted laws naming an official state weapon.
If you catch the swing of all of this, you can see how being able to make a trade can, while somewhat painful for some at first, will really be better in the long run:
• We’ll send former Arizona legislators Scott Bundgaard and Daniel Patterson to life swabbing decks at the “Pirates of the Caribbean” ride at Disneyland — Bundgaard getting 10 million treasure-chest coins from the gift shop — in exchange for Johnny Depp and Keira Knightley.
• We could finally get a “monsoon” that actually brings real rain by trading our summer dusty season with the weather in some part of the world where they’re so sick of rain and mold, if an haboob showed up they’d probably go outside to sing and dance. (Come to think of it, this could be Seattle.)
• Those U.S. Border Patrol agents who detained 96-year-old former Arizona Gov. Raul Castro between Nogales and Tucson could be traded for a squad of fifth-grade hall monitors and a couple of cafeteria ladies.
• We could round up the growing number of fellows who have decided to go naked in public in the Valley and send them to Hollywood to be given small parts in a sequel to “Magic Mike.” In return, they could send us some people with a sense of common decency, like reality show contestants.
• Our summer heat could be transferred to the Midwest in exchange for their summer heat. On second thought ...
• And who could resist a package deal of the Arizona State football and basketball teams to the IRL and NASCAR for drivers Dario Franchitti and Danica Patrick? Come on, Devils fans: Right now, today, who would you rather pay money to see go around in circles? Thought so.
We are all going to miss Steve Nash. He is a talented basketball player who played as though he believed his team could win, even when some of his teammates didn’t.
And unlike so many local pro athletes whom advertisers shove in front of a camera, Nash actually looked comfortable doing commercials. I can only imagine what he’ll be like doing ads for Los Angeles TV by having to say their strange catch phrases like, “You’re killing me, Larry!” and “Kobe wasn’t available to shoot this ad, but I’m Steve Nash.”
The calm, quiet, focused Nash has been quite a contrast to the frenetic egos that have dominated Arizona during the time he played for the Suns. Former Suns star and quite self-actualized Charles Barkley is more the basketball symbol for our current state. After all, Barkley always insisted that he was no role model.
We must have something worthwhile to showcase to everyone else. Steve Nash aside, between here and the West Coast, more of them are coming here than are going the other way.
Read Tribune contributing columnist Mark J. Scarp’s opinions here on Sundays. Watch his “On the Mark” video commentaries on eastvalleytribune.com. Reach him at email@example.com.