Concession speech apt for all losers - East Valley Tribune: Opinion

Concession speech apt for all losers

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Posted: Tuesday, September 7, 2004 11:20 pm | Updated: 4:43 pm, Thu Oct 6, 2011.

Here’s a handy multiple-choice concession speech for local political candidates who lost in Tuesday’s primary elections . . .

Good morning.

It was a long and spirited campaign, but it has come to an end and I accept that. Earlier today, I called my opponent and offered (A, him; or, B, her) my congratulations.

I’m confident that our party, our ideals and our principles will triumph in the general election on Nov. 2.

Let me say how grateful I am to all those who supported me and the cause for which we fought. It would have been impossible without the work of devoted grass-roots volunteers and the love and strength of my (A, wife; B, husband; C, life partner).

It was an extraordinary election. I have to admit, though, I was a bit surprised by the final vote count. Quite frankly, my themes of fiscal conservatism and social consciousness were identical to the messages of every single politician in Arizona, regardless of party affiliation, for the past two decades.

To be perfectly honest, my candidacy was thwarted by (A, people who associate in “certain” types of bars; B, religious zealots; C, soccer moms; or D, people who read newspapers).

Furthermore, I suffered through obviously biased reporting by the (A, conservative; B, liberal; or C, free-thinking) print media.

There certainly was no justification for the relentless questions about my (A, undisclosed place of residence; B, bogus military record; C, unpaid property taxes; D, unpaid child support payments; or, E, belief that the Irish discovered America).

As I said during the campaign, there was a simple explanation for that little oversight. I plan to disclose it at the proper time, which would be (A, during my next political campaign; B, when I'm under oath in a courtroom; C, when I'm on my death bed; or, D, during my next lifetime).

Plus, I had to endure painful personal attacks about my (A, record of reckless government spending; B, fabricated political endorsements; C, obsession with my opponents’ sex lives; D, illegal campaign loans; or, E, authorization of naked partying with suspected prostitutes under the guise of law enforcement).

Is it any wonder that common folks are reluctant to run for office with that sort of scrutiny?

Rest assured, even though I finished behind my opponent in this race, I am not finished with politics. I’ve seen our community during the campaign and I've liked what I've seen.

So, I promise that before the next campaign cycle, I will (A, research the issues more diligently to form meaningful, cost-effective policy; B, take advantage of the new 2 a.m. last call law; C, uncover more dirt about my opponents; or, D, write off this entire experience and simply look forward to voting like everyone else).

Thank you.

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