He’s the guy you took the time to make babies with. He’s the fellow your kids call dad. If you’re lucky, you still call him darling and in today’s world, that ain’t bad.
Too many families are missing their daddies and when you see the data, you understand why single parenting is the center of crisis in homes today.
I’m guessing most readers know about this first hand. Even if nothing can be done for your world, maybe your influence can change the lives of other family members. With Father’s Day coming up, this is a significant time to revisit this catastrophic problem.
I’ve been in a home without a dad. My parents divorced when I was a teen. His absence was tangible; penetrating. “Father hunger” touches every part of a child’s life and most never get over it. It cannot be shrugged away. It saturates the DNA.
And now, a growing trend trumps divorce: The importance of marriage is being erased. In a recent column, I’ve pointed out how more and more couples choose not to marry before bringing life into the world. Some, of course, assume that they’ll get married some day. But now we know: Barely 10 percent ever follow through. According to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, this is especially true among “urban” couples — those living in metropolitan areas — and, well, the kids are left treading water in the vacuum.
Research consistently shows that “a married mother-and-father family is a better environment for raising children than the cohabitating (living together) mother-and-father family.”
So ladies, if your children have a good dad, you’ll want to hold onto him the best you can. Even just a pretty good one will do; a man who is there, who cares; who provides masculine influence, time and love. Even those who are absent due to work or military deployment, carry huge influence, because home is also dad’s home.
The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services reports active dads play an irreplaceable role beginning with the child’s sense of self. It reports “boys with involved fathers have fewer school behavior problems and the girls stronger self-esteem.” Their “grades are better; they avoid drugs, violence and other delinquent behavior.” Once in the work place, they make more money. And a father who treats his wife well is the ultimate — a valuable role model. What a deal. Yes, a dad, married to his child’s mother, does all that for a kid (read more at www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/usermanuels/fatherhood/chaptertwo.cfm).
Dr. Wade Horn, Assistant Secretary for Children and Families at the USDHHS says, “It may be because these couples receive very little encouragement to marry from the health and social services professionals with whom they come in contact.”
That’s no surprise. Government family service is where dad got the boot in the first place, when Big Brother took over with indiscriminate handouts.
Media helps out by promoting “free love” and disregarding marriage, while more churches timidly back away from age old teachings on the sanctity of marriage. I suppose it’s better to fill the pews each Sunday and collect the tithes. For the most part, what we have left is role modeling; family influence. Thus it seems only the lucky kids will get on-the-job dads.
We’re so intent on loosening restraints within our social and moral structures that we’re steadily losing one-half of a whole. And there they sit: mothers shouldering unfathomable burdens and children carrying the sorrows of their birth parents’ ignorance. It’s a crime, a major social crime against families.
Making a family work well is hard stuff, but finding a good man and marrying him before making babies is one of the wisest things a woman can do. Don’t settle. Your kids deserve a full-time dad, which in truth, is good for mom, too.
East Valley resident Linda Turley-Hansen (turleyhansen@gmail.com) is a syndicated columnist and former Phoenix veteran TV anchor.
sockratties posted at 10:23 am on Sat, Jun 9, 2012.
The married family model is the best environment for child rearing. No doubt about that. Unfortunately Linda once again addresses a complex social problem simplistically. You can’t fix problems if you don’t know the cause. Why do marriages fail, why do couples not get married, and why do dads leave home?
Start with money problems… Before the shift from farming to industry and the subsequent shift to technology both parents had a well defined roll; dad went to work to earn money and mom took care of just about everything else. Sometimes dad had to work long hours to make ends meet but mom was there to take up the slack. The shift of wealth from the middle class to the rich has meant that both parents now have to work.
Women’s equality shifts have improved the lot of working women and within the family structure weakened the roll of the father. Both parents have similar roles and challenges. The sanctity of marriage is damaged by this merging of family roles. Marriage tends to reverse equality achieved by the woman who brings home half the bacon so she may opt out.
Government programs such as welfare, food stamps and aid to needy children favor the single parent. Marriage often makes one ineligible for programs that unemployed or underemployed parents come to rely on. Having a marriage certificate will be trumped by government assistance every time.
Education about family responsibilities, family money handling, family communications, raising children and spousal relationships used to come from family interaction as a kind of lore passed down through generations. Once this chain is broken, family skills become on the job training by trial and error. Some of the errors may be irreversible.
So the problems that must be addressed are corporate greed, a shift in work requirements, government programs, lack of parent related education and role models. The media only amplifies social perception it does not shape it. Social and moral structures are the result of interaction by those who have money and power to influence them; the wealthy and the government. When they both pull in the same direction they will win. The family unit is one of the casualties.
Linda says “We’re so intent on loosing restraints within our social and moral structures that we’re steadily losing one-half of a whole. And there they sit: mothers shouldering unfathomable burdens and children carrying the sorrows of their birth parents’ ignorance. It’s a crime, a major social crime against families.”
Well Linda, you’re not going to solve this problem while sitting in your pew. Get your axe and find the reason it takes two wage earners to raise a family; why two cars are required for a family of four; why every family member over six years old needs a cell phone; why gasoline and milk cost the same amount but parents by soda-pop by the liter for their kids. Don’t agonize over the lot of the poor victimized mother. Get real and go after big business and government!
chatmandu002 posted at 10:41 am on Sat, Jun 9, 2012.
Don't worry anyone "Big Government" is here to take daddy's place.
IntuitiveLuck posted at 3:08 pm on Sat, Jun 9, 2012.
I know of several young women who had their first baby at eighteen. Shortly afterwards, they had their own apartment (section 8), food stamps, health insurance, and everything a baby could need diapers, formula, etc. In addition, they were taking part in a program locally here in the Phoenix area that actually pays for these women to attend college and get a stipend! One even got a free car and insurance paid for by another organization.
Let's see, I went into the military to serve my country and afterwards received a small amount of money for college. While I attended college, I worked a full time job, volunteered over 15 hours a week, and was on birth control.
So who's the FOOL?
mrconservative posted at 9:02 pm on Sat, Jun 9, 2012.
IntuitiveLuck, you are NOT the fool. You thought of others first. That's very noble of you.
Anyone who thinks homes can go without a father is very stupid. Familes need BOTH a father and a mother. It's kind of like a two halves of a bridge. Without one end, the other side would crumble.
mrconservative posted at 9:04 pm on Sat, Jun 9, 2012.
It's kind of like two halves of a bridge. (Oops, I didn't pre-read my comment. Oh, well.)
[smile]
5genAZ posted at 1:18 am on Sun, Jun 10, 2012.
Ahh, Mesa. My home town. It's good to see that some things never change. I live here in a bustling Canadian metropolis with my...partner and our two children. He's a great Dad; provides time, energy, love,compassion; helps the children to mold their identities, provides a masculine presence and is even the sole breadwinner. Alas, marriage isn't for him; so, despite our fifteen years of happiness and the beautiful family we have created, complete with stay-at-home-Mom, we are a failure since we never intend to marry.
How dare you discount the inherent value and commitment in a family like mine simply because we don't take part in the same rituals as you? Such xenophobic rhetoric is tiresome and empty. Attitudes like this are why I so often look at my beloved and say, "Thank goodness we left."
Before it starts? There is no need to tell me that you're glad I'm gone; honestly, that's the somewhat more mature version of 'I know you are but what am I?" Note: I said it first.
Enjoy rolling up the sidewalks, Mesa. One day, you'll grow up; I have hope.
Bingo6 posted at 6:12 am on Sun, Jun 10, 2012.
Wow, another beat down from "Suzy Creamcheese" our own mentor of how her brand of social morality should be. Her columns are always about, (look at me and how much better a person I am than you are- why because I am the most perfect example of a conservstive in the whole wide world.)
People like you who hide behind your made up reality need to be permanetly locked up behind the walls of your gated community.
Leon Ceniceros posted at 10:37 am on Sun, Jun 10, 2012.
Well, the "ADAM & STEVE" and the "EVE & ANNA"...contingent are out in force. God (Nature to all the LIBERALS, PROGRESSIVES AND DEMOCRATS).....created men and women to propogate (naturally). If homosexuality or lesbianism was "NORMAL" (aka the "norm").....then there would be a significant number in a "natural society".
BUT WE ALL KNOW THAT STATISTICALLY......T.H.A.T.....I.S....N.O.T....T.H.E....C.A.S.E.
THERE IS NOTHING "WRONG" WITH BEING A HOMOSEXUAL OR A LESBIAN BUT PLEASE DON'T TRY AND FOIST..."PARENTING"...AS A ...."RIGHT" OR A NORMAL ...."FAMILY SITUATION"......BECAUSE IT IS NOT...IT IS AN ...ABERRATION.
samkat posted at 5:14 pm on Sun, Jun 10, 2012.
Intuitive: Unfortunately, flat earth right wing religious folks like Linda want to prevent you from having access to contraceptives. Good for you for having furthered your education as I did the same thing after I retired from the military.
Now, Linda, lets consider the absentee Dads (and Moms) like myself and the thousands of other military members who spend more time away from their families than they do with them during their military service. My children turned out okay as many others also do. Children from the best of families can and do go wrong. While a stable stay at home Mom and a working Dad is ideal, in today's environment, it is almost a necessity for both members to work. As was pointed out in an earlier post, we have moved from the environment where a one member wage was sufficient to one where anything other than the basic necessities family life requires two incomes.
I will take a slam at the conservatives who believe that the only good education is the one they obtain by siphoning off our public education funds for their quasi religious schools that have absolutely no accountability for what they do with with our tax dollars yet they feel a low cost secondary education to be a non necessity. What happened to the trade shop courses that were taught in high school in the not too distant past? Not every individual is cut out to be a college graduate. I would much more prefer that my tax dollars be expended for such courses than on charter or religious schools.
The United States is losing its competitive edge because of the myopic ideology practices by our so called conservatives. Better yet, why not expand our community colleges and keep their tuition low? A better education and even sex ed in our middle and high schools as we used to have as well as access to contraceptives would help to reduce the unwanted pregnancies that the flat earth religious bunch ignore after they exit the womb. We need to get back to the basics as opposed to attempting to legislate morality the way the American style Taliban is attempting to do even though they are trampling all over the religious and personal rights of the majority of the state's population.
Now Linda, if you really wanted an article to attract the masses, you might want to go beyond family unity and address the root causes. Just promoting a mommy and day living in martial bliss is not going to cut it.
mrconservative posted at 10:20 pm on Sun, Jun 10, 2012.
"Flat earth"? Are we speaking English here? There is no human on Earth that I know of who still believes our Earth is flat. As one Venter put it recently, there is always another option of birth control: Abstinance.
mrconservative posted at 10:22 pm on Sun, Jun 10, 2012.
About my bridge comment, if one half crumbles and falls, so will the other side. (For some reason, it was erased. I don't appreciate that.)
sockratties posted at 6:25 am on Mon, Jun 11, 2012.
mrconservative – you seem challenged. Your “bridge” comments are still there. As for “Flat earth;” try looking up “Metaphor.” Taking specific terms out of context so you can distract from the meaning of something you don’t understand or agree with is a ploy.
Abstinence does not work for the majority of society. If it did we wouldn’t be having this discussion. Couple abstinence with a lack of sex education and pie in the morality-speech and it doesn’t work at all. Linda lives in a dream world that has a lot of zits. She prefers to cover them with make-up and pretend they’re not there.
AZnewcomer posted at 9:35 am on Mon, Jun 11, 2012.
She is right that a "missing father" is no small thing. Included in that category (what is "best" for a child's development) is a long list of other things: health care, a living wage for parents, community and family support, good education, etc.
Some people choose to see the world in black and white- the author is clearly one of those folks. It's an easy way to view the world, but thankfully, most readers can see beyond it.
Engaged Voter posted at 11:28 am on Mon, Jun 11, 2012.
"Research consistently shows that “a married mother-and-father family is a better environment for raising children than the cohabitating (living together) mother-and-father family.”
-Poor Linda, she insists there is support for her claim, but fails to provide it.
(why OH WHY am I not surprised?)
Poor, poor Leon..."God.....created men and women to propogate (naturally). " <---So this means Leon is Pro-Incest, since according to his fairy tale, Eve was made from Adam's rib - which makes her Adam's clone. Wait, does this mean Leon also advocates self-fornication? LOL
Oh and mrconservative - regarding your comment "There is no human on Earth that I know of who still believes our Earth is flat." - never underestimate the power of religious stupidity. Not only are there humans who still believe this, they even have a website: http://theflatearthsociety.org/cms/
Engaged Voter posted at 11:37 am on Mon, Jun 11, 2012.
Dear Linda Turley-Hansen,
You mentioned "moral structure" and "the sanctity of marriage" - would you mind letting your readers know where you are getting this "sanctity" from?
I've checked the Bible, the only married couples mentioned had multiple sex partners besides their spouses. Some even had sex with their own children! (Adam and Eve, Lot, etc.).
So, where is this "sanctity of marriage" coming from?
geekette posted at 3:50 pm on Mon, Jun 11, 2012.
I agree with you that a father is important for the child's well-being. That's undeniable. But it's very interesting that, although your article is about the presence of the father, he is really absent from your argument. You put the onus of keeping the family together on women by telling them to hold on to their men. You claim that the government has booted the father from the family. But don't fathers have choices and free will? How about telling them to stay with the family? How about telling them not to get women pregnant and then abandon them? The overwhelming majority of men are good and caring fathers. But if a man leaves the family, it's not necessarily the fault of the woman or of the government. It's because the man is weak or selfish. Speak directly to the men and let them know how important they are to their kids. Don't blame the women or the government.
mwd2525 posted at 4:52 am on Mon, Jun 18, 2012.
Thank you engaged voter. My exact thoughts.Linda,you say "Research consistently shows that “a married mother-and-father family is a better environment for raising children than the cohabitating (living together) mother-and-father family" Please provide even one study showing this. You point out in your column "The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services reports active dads play an irreplaceable role beginning with the child’s sense of self. It reports “boys with involved fathers have fewer school behavior problems and the girls stronger self-esteem.” Their “grades are better; they avoid drugs, violence and other delinquent behavior.”The you add your OPINION "What a deal. Yes, a dad, married to his child’s mother, does all that for a kid"That is not what the report said,in fact it said the exact opposite of your point,that a involved father,NOT one that has to be married to the mother,just a involved father."Media helps out by promoting “free love” Yea,I guess,back in the 60's,40 years ago.The media I see speaks of the dangers of so-called free love and tells people they should have one partner and always practice safe sex.Come join us in the 21st century,or at least don't cro-bar your opinion into the reports you offer as proof in making your point.( Especially when they prove the opposite point)