When the domestic violence started, Karla didn’t know where to turn for help.
Her family was in California, and she had few friends in Arizona. She and her husband lived with his parents – and they took his side, she said.
“I told her [the mother-in-law] he hit me, she said I’d asked for it,” said Karla, who asked that her last name not be used. “She took the phone away from me and told me that her son was not going to be sent to jail because of me.”
It’s because of situations like Karla’s that advocates have decided to make one goal of Domestic Violence Awareness Month this October reaching friends and relatives of victims, who are often the first to see signs of domestic violence.
“Everyone thinks domestic violence is bad until the abusive person is their best friend, their brother, their employee, and then the victim is crazy, nagging, dramatic and it doesn’t exist,” said Elizabeth Ditlevson, deputy director of the Arizona Coalition Against Domestic Violence.
Along with understanding and support, she said, victims also need practical help, from child care and advice navigating the legal system to dinner and a place to stay for the night.
“As outsiders, our response is like, ‘Get out, leave – you need to do X, Y, Z,’” Ditlevson said. “And what people really need is someone to be there for them and to share your concerns but in a compassionate way.”
Surveys show that one in three women experiences violence ranging from verbal to physical attacks at least once during her lifetime. Many of those victims don’t come forward, Phoenix Detective Veronica Lumpkin said.
“We know for sure that domestic violence is chronically underreported, yet historically domestic violence calls have been the No. 2 call for service for the Phoenix Police Department, only behind false alarm calls,” Lumpkin said. “So can you imagine how many cases are going unreported?”
Family Advocacy Center counselor Silvia Mayer knows that this violence affects more than the spouse being abused.
“In domestic violence, anybody that is around the victim is affected – anybody,” Mayer said. “Once it explodes, it’s really hard to even see the range.”
Mayer said that abuse often starts slowly and heats up gradually, in ways that aren’t always obvious to people in or around the relationship. She uses the metaphor of a train hurtling down the tracks to describe what victims of escalating domestic violence face.
It may take as long as 48 hours after an attack for a woman to reach counseling services at the Family Advocacy Center where Mayer works. By then, victims may start to think that the abuse won’t happen again – or be worried that if they leave, they’ll have nowhere to go.
“I keep yelling at you to get out of the tracks, get away from the tracks, it’s coming!” Mayer said.
For Karla, abuse would be followed by her husband’s promises that he would change.
“The next day, he would bring flowers to me,” she said. “Then months would go by and he would do the same things.”
Counseling at the shelter helped her identify the patterns and the danger. “If you allow it, they will escalate to blows or even death,” she said.
neveragain posted at 1:56 pm on Fri, Oct 29, 2010.
It's great to get away from an abusive situation, however if one leaves a spouse in Maricopa, they should prepare themselves for additional abuse by the court system. I was fortunate to have had the financial resources (wiped out now though) to fight for rights, but it was a long drawn out 4 years and guess what? still have unresolved issue due to lack of follow-up by Maricopa Sherrif's dept, County Court Judge and staff, the Mental Health professionals "assigned" to our case and now lack of funds ot get things further addressed. Still have many motions unanswered, along with unanswered motions to get the motions answered. It took 2 years to obtain personal property, 4 years for a parent plan and marital property is still unresolved. Contempt of court addressed in court, was never followed up.
nomore posted at 4:23 pm on Fri, Oct 29, 2010.
it is really bad in Navajo County also. Restraining order are not ever enforced no matter how dangerous the situation the victim is always considered a liar. Charges of abuse against children and women are dropped without ever notifying the party involved. Even the womens shelter is a joke, I had the door slammed in my face and then twice begged for assistance with court and although they said they would show up no one ever did. It is ridiculous to even say there is any one to advocate for domestic violence victims, the only advocates were for the abuser, that was over and over again the case and is in nearly every case I have seen in Navajo County. Child abuse is just as bad as it is not taken seriously and the abuser is always the one exhalted as the innocent one. There is no one to help the victims of domestic violence/child abuse and there is no one that really cares to get involved either professionals or friends. It is a horrible situation to be in as I well know, going to court was even worse because he intimidated the people that I called to witness until none showed up then had people he knew get up and lie on the stand and I had to prove I hadn't done the things I was accused of. It is still a nightmare even after the divorce. Just yesterday he tried to run into me with my child in the car out on the highway and still watches my home constantly. I don't call anyone since it does no good. Glad they allow dangerous felons to carry guns and that no one cares about that either, makes me feel so safe, don't call the police because they don't care about that either.
Tookie88 posted at 10:22 pm on Fri, Oct 29, 2010.
I too was a victim of domestic violence and it is true...the victim has little on their side. It is easy for others who may never have been in that situation to say, "just leave"...however, when you seek the help you need to leave, no one is there. My husband would be visibly drunk and curse at the police when he would tell them how "crazy" I was. This of course after he'd push me or slapped me...he even tried to push me down the stairs when I was 6 months pregnant. I too gave up trying to seek help, especially when a police officer told me to simply lock myself in a room when he comes home drunk. I don't blame the police...most aren't trained to help in situations like this. The courts are overloaded and make "rubber stamp" decisions on rulings.
Again, unless you have ever been in an abusive relationship, it is hard to rationalize why people stay with an abuser. I am glad that their are articles keeping this in the public eye.