It’s not channel surfing, it’s art - East Valley Tribune: Get Out

It’s not channel surfing, it’s art

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Posted: Tuesday, May 1, 2007 6:30 am | Updated: 7:15 pm, Fri Oct 7, 2011.

Wives constantly harangue their husbands for flipping back and forth between TV shows. Some will even hide the remote, and this is just wrong. Channel surfing is an American art form, like jazz.

Your husband isn’t intruding when he zaps “Dr. Phil” from the rec room chair. He’s Charlie Parker, jamming on his digital “ax,” toward higher ground. Don’t believe me? Take a look at my fusion riff on last week’s “Lost” to see how TV shows can be woven together for the deeper truths within.

Our episode opens on the is land. Sun, the pregnant Korean castaway, confronts Juliet, the enigmatic obstetrician. Juliet and the villainous “Others” have been abducting pregnant women for scientific study. But why? “What hap pens to pregnant women on this island?” Sun asks. She learns they can perish horribly, like Stephen Drew of the Arizona Diamond backs, succumbing to a flurry of fastballs from San Diego pitcher Jake Peavy on TV.

A poignant flashback, and sever al 1-2-3 innings, teach us that Sun’s marriage has suffered because her husband, Jin, is brutally determined to overcome his humble roots. She loves Jin. But, like Arizona batter Carlos Quentin, he refuses to stay within himself, lashing out at every perceived challenge and high fast ball that comes his way. Sun has an affair, and Quentin grounds weakly to third. Will no one learn?

Back on the island, Hurley Desmond and Jin pursue an eye patched guy. Who is he? Why does he run? And why is he faster down the line than San Diego’s Brian Giles, who runs like he’s wearing swim fins? Jin catches the eye patch guy. Head-butting ensues but the subject doesn’t come up Meanwhile, Juliet takes Sun into the forest for an ultrasound, which makes you fear for her life and her health care plan. The forest is rife with terrors like polar bears the smoke monster or Peavy, who strikes out nine Diamondbacks in a row. Nine! Scary.

In the game, Peavy is yanked for a pitcher who promptly surrenders a home run. On the island, Des mond and eye-patch Guy find an unconscious parachutist and de cide to save her by jamming a syringe into her chest. Clearly, some things are better left alone. Sun learns her ultrasound will reveal the baby’s father. Will it be Jin? Her lover? Or Hall of Fame closer Trev or Hoffman, coming in to finish off the ninth? Cliffhangers abound!

The ultrasound reveals that Sun is, indeed, carrying her husband’s baby. Good news! Except it means she’ll die. But wait! Stephen Drew up once again, ropes a Hoffman fastball into the seats for a shocking Arizona win! He’s mobbed at the plate! Everyone’s ecstatic! Ex cept for Sun, who has had a mixed day.

Moral: Remain within yourself cultivate successful patterns and never get pregnant on an island.

Next week: We can find many things combining “CSI” with “Emeril,” but we should never eat them.

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